How do you explain? When someone asks how you are. How do you explain the everlasting pain longing to rip its way out of you. The chemically induced numbness, keeping every emotion buried deep inside, leaving you an empty shell. How do you explain your disgust with the world and how people treat others, yet the overwhelming sense of love for every living thing. Wishing more than anything that all these people could be as happy as they deserve to be. Look at how beautiful every single one of you are. I’m on the outside looking in, I would give every piece of my being to ensure that other people feel loved. But I do not deserve that. I deserve the pain that I slice into myself.
I wish that everyone would appreciate the beautiful Earth around them, the warmth of the sunrise and the kiss of the rain. I wish everyone would be wonderful to each other. I wish people would be genuine with one another and stop the lies and the deceit. I wish I could get out of bed. I wish I didn’t constantly worry about everything. About other people’s problems. About work. About the animals being abused and the children starving. About the terrible things that could happen today. About the conversations I might have with people. I wish my heart didn’t race and my palms didn’t sweat and my stomach didn’t churn when I think about going out in public.
One day, I will return to where I am from. I am a child of this universe, and to her I shall return. I am a divine being, I am immortal. I shall live on in the flowers and the trees and the rivers and the animals. And sometimes, she calls me to her, and her voice is so very sweet. I must make the journey some day, what does it matter if it is now? She offers me peace and solace from this world full of hatred and despair. A place to eternally rest among the stars. Death really does seem so inviting. An end to the pain.
I appear to be trapped in eternal night.